The Words He Needs and the Time I Need

Needing space in a relationship is something I’m still learning how to explain. I can put my feelings into words, but I usually need time to sit with myself and process them first. Once I’ve done that, I often write out what I’m feeling. I don’t always have the words ready in the moment. I’m an introvert. I don’t get excited easily. I’m nonchalant. And for most of my life, that’s been fine.

Then I fell in love with someone who is the opposite.

My partner is emotionally expressive, and words matter to him. He needs to hear it: reassurance, affirmation, and most of all, “I love you.” I’ve never been someone who says that often. It just isn’t how I show love. But our relationship has also been through a lot. There’s been broken trust, and in many ways the whole relationship has felt broken. We’re trying to come back from that, and being ready to offer the reassurance he needs has become even harder.

I’m tired.

Appreciating His Effort While Rebuilding Trust

He bounces back faster than I do. For him, the storm passed. For me, the trust still isn’t there. I’m still emotionally withdrawn, not to punish him, but because I’m still working through what happened. I want to be able to give him what he needs. Right now, I just don’t have much left to give.

From his side, I know it’s hard too. He feels like he can never please me, but that isn’t how I feel. I’m always appreciative of what he does. I see his effort, and I love that he’s trying. I’m just not there emotionally yet. He asks if he can just get an “I love you,” and when it doesn’t come, it hurts him. Sometimes he’s looking for a response while I’m still sorting through what I feel. When I’m already drained, I need even more time to do that.

Needing Space in a Relationship

What makes it harder is that he doesn’t always pick up on my cues. He can’t always tell when I need space.

A few days ago I flew home from Texas. I’d been traveling all day. It was 10 at night. While I was just trying to get through the airport, he called me over and over. He wanted a full conversation. When I tried to get off the phone, he felt pushed away. All I could think was: please, just let me get through the airport.

I had barely landed, and already someone needed me emotionally.

When I got home, all I wanted was to decompress, take a shower, and come back to myself. He wanted my time. And I get it, he missed me. But in that moment, it was just too much.

That’s where we are. I see where he’s coming from. I just don’t think he sees where I’m coming from. We’re at an impasse, two people who need different things at the same time, both tired, both trying.

I don’t have a neat ending for this. I don’t know yet how it resolves. I just know that needing space doesn’t mean I don’t care, that healing doesn’t run on someone else’s timeline, and that being drained isn’t the same as being done.

If you need time to process your feelings before you can talk about them, you might appreciate having somewhere to write them down. I created the Mom Vent & Refill Journal as a space to vent, reflect, and think about what you need. You don’t have to find the perfect words to get started.

Explore the Mom Vent & Refill Journal on Etsy →

I’m still figuring out a lot of things, in my relationship and in motherhood. I’ve also written about the realities of single mom life and the anxiety I feel as my son grows up. If either of those sounds familiar, I hope those posts help you feel a little less alone.

It’s hard. And right now, that’s the honest truth.